The longer you wait to have children; the harder it is. This line is all I heard before having Savannah. At the time this comment didn’t strike anything in me. I had a very carefree life – traveling often, dinners out, last minute meet-ups with my friends and lots and lots of “me” time. I was FREE. Free to come and go as I please with very little responsibility and absolutely no boundaries.
Then came sweet Savannah Rose and my life changed forever. I came home from the hospital still in shock that I had just given birth to a baby. I was trying to digest the miracle that had just taken place but was too busy figuring out how to breastfeed, keep myself awake and stay sane. As I spent sleepless night feeding her, I recalled the many articles and Facebook posts about how wonderful and effortless it is to be a mother. I immediately felt guilt at not feeling this way – I was angry. Angry that I had to feed every hour on the hour, angry that I could not go out even for a walk longer than 30 minutes because my breasts were needed again. Angry that I was now having to do more work than my husband, angry that I was a prisoner in my own home, angry that I was angry. I didn’t feel prepared for the change. Why was this change so drastic for me?
Despite the very positive articles I read about motherhood, the truth is life changes drastically after children. Roles shift, work load increases, you feel depleted and your sense of control is challenged. What I have come to understand is these feelings are normal and many women go through similar emotions but do not speak about them. I became aware that I was feeling this way and instead of staying in a state of anger I decided to write down all the things I missed about my “free” life before becoming a mother. I wrote down everything, even those things that seemed silly to my husband like painting my nails (I love nail polish! LOL). This list allowed me to feel some sense of control again, bringing me some balance.
After making my list I came to terms with these “losses” and no longer felt anger. My perspective had suddenly changed; these ‘losses’ have brought me new joys and experiences. Having a baby doesn’t mean you have to give up all the things you love, taking care of YOU is equally as important. In fact, I believe it makes you a better mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend.
Savannah brings joy to my life each and every day. She has taught me what life is all about and her kind soul is what brings joy to my days.